Follow the sultry sound of my voice...

Tip #31 - Consider your progress so far

This post is part of a series I’m writing from mid-June to the end of 2024 or whenever it ends, on things that helped me rebuild my confidence, sense of self, and increased my delight in my life after massive difficulty in multiple areas. For full details and post links to all 110 things, go to this post here.

Tip # 31 - Consider your progress so far

Let’s get one thing clear (note to self) - I write these because I need them. Because I needed them. Because they helped then and they still do now.

I have been hesitating on this one because I’m afraid it’s where I’m stuck right now.

Able to see the progress so far, but not able to figure out how to turn myself towards the future and walk into it. It’s less clear, the path now, because it is so open. This is a good problem and I’m kinda being a little bitch about it (respectfully, of course).

When there’s a for sure capital P Problem going on it is clear to see what must be overcome, what must be endured, what is to be fought.

Thus, when imagining the progress we hope to achieve in this way there is often the absence of the Thing That Was The Capital P Problem in those future plans.

As in when that thing that was bad is gone and I have had some healing about it, that will be good and that’s where I want to get to. And that’s great because we can imagine the peace that comes from the absence of toxic relationships, we can imagine the sense of confidence from finishing a degree, we can imagine the resilience of being competent in difficult communications, etc.

Being able to imagine the future calm, the future contentment, the future healed, etc, it helps us get to it.

Being able to know what you want helps you get to it. Feels like that’s something we know now, or that you learn when you start to undertake some self development with intention.

And so here I am now, reflecting on the last 5 years since everything exploded.

In that time I have finished my masters degree, gotten my first job since working the kitchens and housekeeping and the financial gift phone lines (that would show up as “southern virgin” on people’s caller id lol) in college, been working full time as a cataloging librarian for a year and change, made money and incredible friends from my little book instagram account, gotten officially divorced, dealt with a brutal custody battle and trial, had numerous hearings on finances, got in a big car crash this year that totaled the old car I had paid off, got a replacement car, survived the summers on my own after sending the kids across numerous states and time zones to be with their dad, I’ve lost 40 pounds, I got a dog, I was blonde for a few years, I got the family through covid - which hit 6 months after everything happened, kept the firstborn healthy while we continued to figure out life with his situation as a type 1 diabetic, went to countless soccer games, went on numerous adventures as a team of 4, and healed up the home to a place everyone seems to enjoy being and our emotional health can continue to develop and grow.

And so much other stuff. SO MUCH other stuff. So much other stuff too.

I had a moment of remembering vividly on my way to work last week how I felt just starting to understand what it meant to even have a commute... I’d never had one before... I could still see the moon that morning last week, and remembered listening to Gideon the Ninth, the Dresden Files, and the Soulless books on audio as I figured out how to even be in the world and do what I needed to do.

I started at the library as a page, and loved so much the satisfying work of putting things in order for four hours at a time. It might be considered dull work to alphabetize and shelve and alphabetize and shelve but I like dull work (sometimes) and at that point it was insanely satisfying to be able to know, just as I could get all these books where they’re supposed to be, one by one, that I was also putting things in order at home after work, little bit by little bit. That felt nice.

The computer would say “THANK YOU” to me when I finished a cart. That was also nice. Yeah, the computer programmed to say thank you to me was a spot of comfort I hadn’t had in a long time. lol/ugh.

It took me a while to know and understand that when people asked me things it doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong - this is actually a massive thing to have learned. Proud of that.

It took me a while to figure out how to share anything about myself with anyone at all.

To have a conversation or an interaction with another adult was a very difficult thing too for a very long time. I still don’t feel that I express myself verbally very well but I have come so far in being able to engage with people and the world we share.

Today, reflecting on this I feel the skills and the accumulation of competencies that I’ve worked hard on. Little bits a day by little bits a day.

I know the things I’ve gathered up and endured and worked hard at have served me well and will continue to in the future.

I feel the massive proof of my progress so far in everything I live in my days and see.

And then the now what of it all - having considered all of this, what does that do for me. What does that mean. Why stop to think about that?

Because it reminds me of how time passes and small differences become big differences.

It reminds me that time passed and I grew and I can continue to grow and time will continue to pass regardless.

I can look ahead of myself where I am now and even though it’s more undefined it is there and I can get to it just like I got to here.

Proof of progress is proof of potential.

So looking at the hills I’ve climbed - literally and physically - is proof I can climb hills. Looking at the stuff I have figured out when I didn’t really know how to is proof I can figure stuff out when I don’t really know how to. Like now/still/always.

Knowing I’ve grown to love myself and others is proof that I can and likely will find more in my life to love as I continue to live.

Knowing and seeing that I’ve been able to heal and learn about emotional health, relationships, finances, work, personal preferences of all kinds, means I can continue to do that and that doing will pull me into the glowing alignment of things that are meant for me because I’ll be making my way into those zones.

Where we throw our attention our attention is emphasized. And this attention on the past is specific to the growth of our past. We only know our experiences, and looking honestly at them, what we’ve learned, the proof and data of our strengths, areas of potential and improvement, is putting an attention and an awareness to what we want from the rest of our futures.

In this way the looking backwards for a moment is incredibly worthwhile.

We can find what we’ve learned and use those as we keep going forwards.

Imagine a future you, looking back on the you for now, the you for what was when it was the worst, the kid you also.

The ease of proof can pull us forwards, and lead us to our best places that make the hum in our souls that we’re after.

Ilysm - Marian