Love that for you (and me)

Tip #19 - Find what feels good and keep track (what is pleasure for you?)

This post is part of a series I’m writing from mid-June to mid-November 2024, on things that helped me rebuild my confidence, sense of self, and increased my delight in my life after massive difficulty in multiple areas. For full details and post links to all 110 things, go to this post here.

Tip #19 - Find what feels good and keep track (what is pleasure for you?)

This was a hard one to write.

It’s also one of the longest.

I have so much to say about this topic of pleasure, and pleasure finding, and the nuance of what all that means, and the way my process and understanding has evolved.

And still, so so much more to learn.

It’s not an easy topic, feeling good, which is a little ironic.

Ok, let’s work on it together.

Again I am here highly recommending that you go spend some time with my wife (Yoga with Adriene) who’s mantra and credo and thesis and rallying cry(?) of encouraging strength and support to find what feels good, is a theme I come back to a lot for myself off the mat.

As in “I need to find what feels good” as a quest determination.

As in “lets find what feels good” about going through these intense growing pains of separation, anxiety, loneliness, inadequacy, and having to launch into a future I didn’t see coming that I now gotta make up for and catch up to.

As in “find what feels good” when eating, sleeping, taking care of my own body and soul, creating boundaries, failing and learning, and in looking for romantic and platonic partners and relationships.

To find what feels good, ideally, aligns with what is healthy for you.

Though my deep love of fictional men with “I’d burn the world for you” energy, and often the claws to go with it, is entertaining on and sometimes off the page, it’s not what I need to be looking for or following.

What we’re looking for in this sense is that golden space where what feels good in the immediate now, also is good for us later on in our plans, and doesn’t derail us in our our work and efforts. That’s one type of pleasure/find what feels good that I’m after.

Now let’s discuss some other things.

That word, pleasure, I had to work at thinking about that word. It’s got weight to it. I had prejudged it like a new chick on housewives.

Tell someone you’re pursuing your own pleasure and people do not know what to say back to you.

When you say you’re doing what makes you happy - which is pretty much the same thing - it’s not met with the ideas of moral failure that the word PLEASURE, at least for me, came preloaded with (like that U2 album that ended up in everyones phones a few years ago - who asked for that??).

It’s so silly to me now after I’ve done some critical thought about it.

The nonsense, the pearl clutching, the scoffing, and perceptions of evil infection that word seems to be laced with for folks in communities I used to be very much a part of.

Undoing this, coming from purity culture as a strict Mormonism is and was until 7 ish years ago when I parted ways with it all, and not really having the best (or any) understanding of my body, how to care for it, please it, treat it right in fun ways and in food/health/exercise ways, being a people pleaser at the sacrifice of my own pleasure and entire sense of self just about, the gooddest girl in the contest of good girls that didn’t even exist except in my head, and more…there’s a lot to unpack there…

Here’s one massive thing I learned, and started with. You don’t need to be feeling guilty for feeling good.

***I’ll state right now that if you come at me sideways with the well this substance feels good are you saying I should go overdo that and ruin my life? Of course not. We’re looking at this today for the purpose of the healthy use of feeling good and the things and actions that make you feel good. Duh.***

We call it taking pleasure as if it’s almost not something we deserve, or have to be sly about in order to get.

We refer to guilty pleasures as if something that makes us feel good is something to feel bad about – while feeling bad from struggling and eroding ourselves in whatever system of martyrdom or self sacrificing chores we might be in is often seen as a better accomplishment more worthy of pursuit??

The math there is wrong…

When I was no longer in a relationship (that had been the only relationship I knew), not knowing much about intimacy and pleasure and at that point being in a survival mode so deep that I shrank automatically by the end of things for even feeling anything on the plus side of neutral at all, pleasure was not something I knew…at all.

Definitely a lot of my hurt was self inflicted, in that my self talk and shame and guilt and extra pressure probably imploded me a little more then I even was getting from the outside or from other people in the situation with me.

But – and let me be so transparent here saying this – when you’re scolded relentlessly and endlessly, and want nothing more than peace and to be of adding pleasure to your decided people, to hear you’re failing at what you’re dedicating your soul to, as best as you know how to, is a tough blow.

That part of things in the disintegration of my marriage was the most difficult to me to understand and deal with.

From my point of view I was doing everything I could, everything I could remember getting specific notes about, everything I could pull from past experience and from the examples of others that might improve things.

I was getting my value from being of value – which is dangerous in toxic scenarios.

And when I wasn’t able to figure out how to be of value anymore, and then told what I was trying was actually the worst possible way to do things or try to fix things just about erased me.

This was the lowest low part, where I didn’t have plans to do anything, but very much felt like if my self that took up space could be used as air my kids could breathe, that would be a better value then my continuing to be here. At least they’d get a handful of breaths to keep their hearts beating in exchange for my presence. That legitimately felt like a better deal and a fair trade. Even a generous one. It’s hard to write that.

The depression was situational. I had no recovery time between our arguments - neither of us did - everywhere I looked I saw examples of comments made where I had lacked or lagged or had done the wrong thing when the right thing was so obvious but not to me, where this fight happened, or I cried over here or there was another thing I hadn’t cleaned because I cleaned this other part but that part I missed was now all either of us could see.

There was no pleasure there.

For either of us.

No space that was calm enough to heal or hear ourselves or each other.

By this point we were both numb, both so hurt we couldn’t feel it. Our divorce was overdue. We both, I think, would agree getting out of it earlier might’ve definitely made things easier for us now.

After we split there was space for things to settle.

This was when – during the first summer the kids were away when I literally learned how to feel and had the space and time and silence in which to let those feelings exist – I started walking.

I mentioned a time in this post about what all happened in which a breeze saved my life and the color of a bougainvillea on a neighbor’s house saved my life, this is when those happened.

Those two moments reminded me that I could feel again. And not only could I feel, I could feel good and feel joy and feel pleasure from nothing beside myself existing in relation to the natural world.

That breeze on my neck felt like the delicate firm cradling of a lover’s hand that you know will never leave you, that knows you, that cherishes your soul and your mind and your body, that wants all good things for you and knows how to call you out when you’re slacking and to motivate you best, encourages and worships you all at the same time.

That’s what I felt from that breeze. No joke.

The feast of the color of that flowering vine too – pleasure for my senses. Things were not all bland and beige forever. I could find pleasure in what my eyes saw, what I encountered. I could feast in that color and the feelings it evoked.

I didn’t have to jump through hoops, mental gymnastics, feel guilt about it, or guilt later from experiencing good feelings.

I could feel good without feeling bad.

It helped. A lot. It was so new. Sooo new.

Additionally – there is so much - pleasure comes up in and is something I pay attention to now in my relationships with people. Does this person make me feel at peace, secure, cherished? Am I able to see how to care for and be in tune with what they are in need of and can I give in the way that they’re receptive and also finding pleasure from?

Can I communicate when I don’t know? When I mess up? When something hurts or feels good can I express it?

This is so tough for me too - I’ve had so few relationships that I just didn’t know and still don’t know what things feel like. The only way I know how to figure it out is to figure it out.

To consider, be present, reflect on what felt good about this part, what do I want more or less of and how does that reflect what I’m looking for and how I go about looking for it.

Here’s another thing.

When I began contemplating pleasure with intention, and I really did contemplate it with intention and focus, I started to be confounded by a couple things.

In media and literature and things, why is it that we glorify the forced suffering more than the consensual exploration of pleasurable relationships?

Here’s my example - and no judgment just consider the duality please - why is it that books like Outlander which are incredibly steamy and feature an immense immense subplot of sexual torture and abuse are read and lauded so much in many of those chaste environments I was part of previously, but books that confronted sex directly, with the plot of consensual pleasure based experiences between two adults falling in love with each other, were looked down upon and degraded as not worth anyone’s time, and maybe even an indicator of moral failure?

Like I said, no judgment. I read Outlander, I get why people like it. It’s a good for her not for me series, but I get it.

What I don’t and haven’t ever understood is why the positive healthy exploration of pleasure between folks who are excited and mutually respectful of each other is looked upon badly, but the near trauma porn stories of terrible abuse endured and overcome are favorable experiences in content to consume?

For me that doesn’t make sense.

Here’s another thing I’m going to write about more sometime - In my intentional pleasure discovery, romance books and “chick lit” and even monster smut (yes aliens also - I see you IPB fans) and the podcasts that explored those types of content helped me figure so much.

How to talk about sex and pleasure, how to understand and consider what might feel good, what I might not like and why, and what relationships of an intimate nature could sound like and be like.

Yes, I know fiction is not real life.

But - “smut” and romance books and those pods that talked about them (yes I will make a list) legitimately gave me some type of reference point for what is possible because I knew nothing. At all. About relationships, sex, dating, communication about all the above, and all the rest too.

Listening to smart women in healthy relationships and of all backgrounds and situations discuss these books, make educated thoughtful points about healthy habits, the plot, and discussed their lived experiences, was revelatory to me.

Legitimately was.

Another thing that helped in my quest for the pleasurable - a cool cool smart badass of a woman I knew from high school times started a coaching business with a focus on intimacy and pleasure, and I paid attention to her work enough to be impacted and inspired in the ways and time I needed most.

Kim Pendleton’s resources are excellent and I highly recommend you check out what she has to offer. Especially if intimacy and pleasure and shame are things that are tough for you. She was able to help express aspects of the good girl trope I was escaping too, in a way that helped me so so much.

Her inclusion and dissection and conversation of the religious tangles attached to everything I was struggling with that I didn’t know how to articulate also, gave me a hand to hold while I considered it all. I’m not even sure she knows how much her posts and thoughts shared and the couple of courses I caught helped in my journey.

Highly recommend looking to others (know your experts!) even in the areas of pleasure and intimacy to learn and consider and grow yourself and heal yourself well.

Pleasure is a journey.

What I hope you can find from this is an intention to kick guilt aside from doing things that bring you good feelings that are not worth the guilt.

You know if what you’re doing is aligned with your values - that’s not a guilt thing that’s an honesty thing.

I had an experience with someone I’ll write about some other time, maybe, that really really helped with my intimacy issues and helped heal a lot of things, in massive massive ways. From that, I learned to understand what I like and don’t like, how to communicate about it, how to pay attention to the needs and preferences of another and ask for communication and pay attention to communications. To know that the journey, the process, the discovery, the feelings that happen along the way are worth lingering in and enjoying just as much as the end goal.

This applies to everything, not just physical connections.

You can figure out how to find pleasure, find joy, find delight and connection in the journey of getting to the destination, not just from completing the task.

Wink.

Those are the very best of experiences, when the connection is present that the journey is also the bliss, and anything less is now, for me, simply not at all worth engaging with.

Another thing I’ll write about some other time is the MASSIVE body acceptance I had after watching some things 👀.

It helped.

Having never really known my physical form (as evidenced in my post about taking pictures of yourself living your life), it was so incredibly helpful to have a reference point for where my human form exists amongst all the other types and shapes of other physical human forms that there are on the planet.

I had no idea what I had no idea about, and feeling bad about everything about myself and like I should apologize for my participation was very much a result of knowing nothing about all of it.

Honestly, that was so revolutionary to me. I’ll tell more of it later.

It’s hard to understand how to feel good when raised to worship sacrifice and to shun and question anything that makes your physical body hum.

Being able to manage immediate pleasure and delayed gratification in accordance with your values and your goals and what you want from your life is a source of pleasure. And so important to learn in all of this self growth we’re doing.

If you’re acting with those things in mind, or at least being honest about how your actions fall on that for yourself and adjusting as you wanna be, then you’re going to be ok.

There’s so much more about pleasure to talk about. I haven’t even gotten into what I’ve learned about this when trying to date again after divorce, after religion, and with kids 80% of the year.

I will say this much - the times in which I have been able to show up as myself, with an honesty and acceptance about how I feel, what feels good, not apologizing for what I look like or feeling like I need to do anything besides express my genuine feelings in emotion, and the hot blooded mammal ones, those have been the very best of experiences.

Everyone looks kinda wild sometimes.

What’s hot is connection. That’s where the pleasure is - in the connection. Not in perfection, not in messy lust only based wanting and thoughtless immediate impatience or pressure.

Consider answering this for yourself “pleasure is…” and see what you come up with.

Then, as you go onwards, know that some things will work for you that don’t work for other people. Some things will work for others that don’t at all feel good to you. That’s okay. Collect what works for you and respect that the rest is for someone else.

Pleasure for me is :

-Fresh peaches eaten over the kitchen sink

-The flush of a good time without worrying what I look like

-The runners high after I persist through a good run

-The success I feel looking back and recognizing the growth I have made so far

-Showing up for myself

-Washing my face before bed

-Slipping into cold clean sheets at the end of a long day after a delicious shower

-The quality laughter that makes my cheeks hurt from an experience shared that brings me and a friend closer together

-The feeling it gives me to know someone I care for also cares for me

ilysm - you’re worthy of pleasures, I promise.

Marian