No thank you, please

Tip #7 : make a list of things you don't want in your life anymore

This post is part of a series I’m writing from mid-June to mid-November 2024, on things that helped me rebuild my confidence, sense of self, and increased my delight in my life after massive difficulty in multiple areas. For full details and post links to all 110 things, go to this post here.

Hey my buddies - My apologies for the lag time here. Two reasons for that.

First being that I’ve been rather busy and had a super incredible conference in San Diego this past weekend. In addition to some other personal things going on, I ended up letting all that get in the way of my consistency here. Noticing that, without judgment, and jumping back in here.

The second reason is that these next three tips are ones I am in the process of re-evaluating right now in my life and it’s kind of really tough.

The first go around of this tip - make a list of things you don’t want in your life anymore - was a little smoother because I was going through a divorce, a literal separation, entering a work environment, and things were splitting and on a forward trajectory in which the removal of the thing I didn’t want was kindof taking care of it’s own exit route.

This go around, it’s a little stickier, or feels like it.

Which is both a blessing, and a curse (lol) if I choose to see it and sometimes depending how much sleep I’ve gotten it feels like both or either one at any given moment.

My life in within my own hands so fully right now (and let’s e clear - it always always is isn’t it?! It always is and has been) that I am really having to prove to myself that I can do the things I know I can do.

I’m in a stage of my growth in which the next steps require both internal progress and external noticeable action (maybe even just noticeable to myself).

These tips that I made up because they helped me get through things 5 years ago and since, are still useful. I’m doing these again and going through this process of examining them all, noticing and detailing them for you, dear reader, is also requiring me to go through them all for myself too.

So here’s my acknowledgement that this shit is tough.

STILL. It’s tough.

It lingers, it cycles, it elevates, like intensifies.

There is always more to improve and learn and I’m in the muck of it all with you.

Let’s get into it - thanks for the permission to deviate for a second.

Today’s tip - make a list of things you do not want in your life anymore - is specifically worded. This isn’t a list of things you don’t like - that will come later and is specific to nouns.

This is more about vibes, behaviors, styles, things said and responses of your body and self, and is that way as a way to start forming some boundaries.

YAY BOUNDARIES!!

Boundaries are tough when you’ve lived a few decades in people pleasing mode but it is literally telling people this is how to best love me and from that you will learn a LOT about some things, pretty quick.

Not all at all fun but you’ll soon learn if you haven’t yet that protecting your peace is an incredible priceless value.

The nuance to this - another one I suppose - is that you have to be willing to accept that the peace you’re after, after the elimination of the things you know you don’t want in your life anymore, means being able to enjoy your own company.

Put another way, choosing to kick some things to the curb with this list making means there will be space leftover that those things used to take up.

Which means being able to sit with that space, see it as peace and a clear out for the new and better and healthy, and that on its own can be tough.

So what might be on your list?

Here’s some things that were on mine :

-I don’t want to be wiggly anymore in my answers, which means - if I have an opinion about something someone asks me, I’ll say what I actually think, not what I think they want to hear or the “safe” answer.

-I don’t want to change myself to suit other people, which means working on being me from the start and continuing that way. In friendships, dating, relationships of any kind going forwards.

-I didn’t want to be with anyone who made me cry so hard I had a 3-day migraine afterwards. Self explanatory - also of note though is that I do tend to cry when I feel impassioned, which is hella frustrating. But the decision here was to check myself about the arguments I attend, protect my peace and my self self in the partners I’m choosing to spend time with.

-I did not want to have to rely on a man for money ever again.

-I did not want to look at my image in the mirror with loathing.

-I did not want to feel regret after eating, and have wiggly uncomfortable attitudes towards my body.

-I did not want to be in conversations in which I was not listened to - I do tend to be an observer and a listener much much more than a sharer. What I identified here is that what I DO want is to notice the people who listen and engage when I DO express myself. Also included in this is beefing up my ability to speak up for myself and be heard so people even had a chance to hear me.

This list of things can be put into any particular area of life you feel needs adjusting.

Most of these things that helped can help with most things.

With intention, most things I think can be like that.

Anyway, if you’re feeling out of alignment at work or in other types of relationships, freshly out of something toxic in any genre of experience, starting with what you will no longer entertain or engage with is a good thing to do.

It gives the framework for more boundary work to come and build up and adjust later and continually.

Make the list. Adjust and continue it.

Be honest about it, go as slow as you need to, just keep going with it.

Love you - xoxo

Marian